I’m sending in my computer for my keyboard to be fixed and my moms like ‘well you can be on my desktop forever I want you off by eight’ bitch please you’re on it literally 24/7 shut up


hot people with tattoos and glasses make me sweat

  • me: *cries over tv show*
  • me: *loses sleep over tv show*
  • me: *requires emotional help because of tv show*
  • me: but it's so good


i would be the absolute worst dog show judge ever

all of them would win

it would be chaos



so today at work I cleaned this old man’s golf clubs and I thought he was getting his wallet out of his bag but instead he pulls out this giant plastic target bag of yellow plums. he tipped us in yellow plums. he told us not to tell anyone we had these and I looked them up because they were so good and these plums are illegal in the US. I got tipped in illegally imported plums. 

That. Is. Amazing.


cop: who the hell ordered all these pizzas

me: you said i got one phone call


making plans with friends like